The Traveling Timesman

The other day, I was fortunate enough to be standing in line behind two guys who were arguing about time travel. When I say, “arguing”, I mean, listening only to their tone, I thought that Obama was going to run for office for a third time and one of them was going to vote for him while the other one hates black people.

What made this particular argument special was that they were arguing over where time travel is currently being kept, not whether or not it’s real. The belief in the existence of time travel was a prerequisite for this argument. It wasn’t long before I thought to myself, “I have to be a part of this argument,” so I dove right in with, “Excuse me but do you two really believe in time travel?”

Rule number one for starting or joining an argument: Question beliefs. Whether it’s politics, religion or OJ’s guilt, once you have questioned your opponents belief, you have successfully double-dutched yourself into an argument. (OJ didn’t kill anyone. Free OJ!) Rule number two is that you do not talk about argument club.

My query was met with the one who thinks that the Chinese currently possess time travel, rolling of the eyes. Quantum leaper number two says to me, “Yeah and soon,” he stops, turns to quantum leaper number one and says, “Obama’s going to let it out of area fifty one!”

That is how dope Obama is; He has black people and nerds thinking that he’s just going to give stuff away and Republicans thinking that he’s never going to go away.

Needless to say, this was my best trip to Hollywood Video ever. I finally got to voice my stance on time travel which I have been quietly holding for, roughly, 663 days now.

My opinion on time travel is that it is never going to exist. If time travel is to ever come about, the universe would be in the hands of one person and I don’t think the universe would allow that to happen.

I know for a fact that if time travel does come to be, my kids will be the first to disappear. I’m not kidding! I dare my son to go back to 1998 and try to make sure his mom and I go the Enchantment Under the Sea dance together so that he can be born. I will punch him in the face and shove that fading picture up his ass. My daughters too; Poof, gone! And I love my kids! They are the reason I do what I do but, and this is true, I’m a selfish asshole so they lose. And right after my kids disappear in to the abyss of never-being, I’m going to disappear. I know this because my dad’s a selfish asshole. That’s who I get it from!

Next to vanish, after I do, is every black person, ever. Because white people may not all be selfish assholes but they are all about long term solutions. I’m sure that at least one white person, probably my wife, will go back to 1619, run out on to the Virginia beach as the boat brings in this county’s first gang and yell, “Take’em back! It’s not worth it! One of them’s going to kill Nicole Simpson!”

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